Updated December 29, 2009
www.lovecounts.net
I Love You, Daddy
Over these past months I have tried to sort out my feelings toward you. I only know that underneath every other emotion there is love. I don't think you want my sympathy, but rather understanding and acceptance of the disease you must contend with. I believe in my heart I can give you understanding, but I fail dismally in the acceptance. Somehow the scars from childhood are too deep - I simply cannot see you when you are drinking.
Mom told me last night that Susan called to say she knew you would die if you didn't stop drinking. Don't die Daddy. So much potential in one human being - talent, intelligence, humour, compassion and, yes, love. You have so much you could have given and did not. How can you allow your life to slip away knowing it has been so wasted?
Have I told you what that year together meant to me? Do you know what it is like to meet, after thirty years, your mirror image - to know, finally, from whom you came? I have inherited your weakness, but also your strengths. God grant I do more with the strengths.
What a strange, unique relationship children have with their parents. So much conflict wrapped in so much abiding love.
November, 1982
First of all, I love you. I know it may seem a strange kind of love, but it is there all the same. I guess the difference between our estrangement before and now is just that - love.
I am enclosing a copy of a story I wrote early this year, (see Daddy and Me) which may explain a little how I feel. I was going to submit it for publication, but it was too close and exposed too much - I will keep it as a journal.
I find it difficult to even explain to myself the pain I felt last Christmas. That day cost so much. A moment of insight - I have just realized that I have cancelled Christmas (see Christmas of the White Turkey) this year, not because of money, which I have given as the reason, but because that day last year had such a devastating affect. Silly isn't it, to allow one day out of the year to have that kind of an affect on you?
