Updated December 29, 2009
 www.lovecounts.net

December, 1985

Funny how life goes. It was only a matter of days ago that I was trying to find a way of expressing my deep appreciation for the care and tenderness you showed after my operation. I wanted to tell you that your unselfish love and caring put you in a very special, almost empty place in my heart. Almost empty because only a very few have ever given me unstinting and unquestioning love. With everyone else, there was always a price tag. That single week planted a seed within me of unswerving loyalty and gratitude.

I'm a funny kind of bird.  I am inherently generous by nature and give what I can when I can easily, but I keep inviolate (or almost) the essence of me. I have loved and been loved, but always with a wall of protection which keeps out all but surface wounds.

You, with your tender understanding and gentle love, found your way inside that wall.  Being inside, you have been able to alter my perception of myself in relation to the world as well as my perception of what loving with a whole heart means.

I've often thought this past year that I was too understanding, that I held my tongue too often in the name of peace as well as value offered.  I don't regret what I've given because it was from the heart and that is the only true kind of giving, giving at any cost.  Part of that cost, in many ways, is that you know me so little.  While we have shared many things, there is much that has gone unshared.

I've done so much changing this past year.  I hardly recognize myself.  You have sponsored the changes - with a little help from me of course.  One major change I'm not sure you're aware of is my perception of money and the freedom of choice it can buy.  I don't think you realize how hard it has been for me to constantly accept your generosity when I'm unable to give back in like kind.  It puts an obligation on me that doesn't sit well with my pride.  Whereas you can come to me freely, giving what you want to give out of love, I am bound to give out of obligation.  It puts us in an unequal position with all the power cards in your hands.

I believe I've told you that in many ways you are a unique experience in my life.  I'm not sure I told you one aspect of how.  When I stand outside myself and look at "us", I find myself smiling in wry amusement because how I am with you is so different than with the other men in my life.  First of all, I'm not used to a secondary role.  I have had, with one other exception, at the very least, an equal standing with my men, and more often, been the dominant partner. With you I find myself in a different role; one I have accepted with surprisingly little difficulty.

You are often patronizing, believing yourself to be so much wiser in the ways of life and living.  At those times, I smile inwardly because you have so little concept of what my life has entailed.

You are a very pragmatic individual.  You deal, for the most part, in black and white.  This aspect of your personality leads you to believe that success at living is denoted solely by goals achieved with resulting monetary success.  As I've said before, I have come to understand and believe in the importance of monetary success.

However, I also know there is another kind of success in life which is equally, if not more, important.  And I am successful - as a human being.  Life, in dealing out its cards, both good and bad, has taught me many lessons.  Because I've been a willing student, I have learned those lessons and have made them part of me.  As a matter of fact, the greatest attribute I possess is my unshakeable desire to learn, to strive for the next rung of the ladder in human development.  It is that which gives me my sense of self-worth and which will keep me going against any and all odds.